Caution to Men !!!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this story:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip shit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!


(captioned:Because somtimes words just aren't enough)

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.


I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:


there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.


The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.


Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.



I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

TMI Thursday: Dirty Sanchez Medusa.

Here's my cherry popping TMI, so please, be gentle.

Warning: R+ rated for fuckin foul language & shit talk. Not exactly a Sanchez post

but equally dirty.

TMI Thursdays sponsored by the queen of sharing your shit or someone else's, momma Lilu:

Well well well ...

It is about time I write my very first TMI post.

At least porky thinks so since he's always asking, begging, pleading and attempting to corrupt me into writing TMI things, but I'm too propper for that so imma talk about someone else instead:

aaaaaaand so it begins:

Let me catch you up to speed .. I work in an office full of men, and one other "woman" aside from lovely ME.

I say "woman" because she is more like an amazon nasty ass beast whom we shall appropriately nick name Medusa. She is like a black widow I tell you, crazy crazy and MEAN with her poisonous scorpion tail.. GASP OHHH that bitch! ...

OK so check it out .. we have a nice little nonchalant ladies room here .. yes.. a pisser room.. ya know??








RIGHTYO then ...

It just so happens that Medusa likes to drop the atomic bombs here at work , and I mean ATOMIC! ok?. I have walked in there after her and my eyes would well up with tears, real live tears, get green in the face and have to walk the f*ck back out .. GAwww, can't a girl go pee when she has to ??

Nooo, not here. There are only 2 potty rooms here... the boys and the girls potty.

Sometimes since there are more boys then girls, the boys will overflow into my bathroom , those testosterone bitches, but when they do,  they have come to talk morning shit with me (not literally like Medusa's) and we hash over her toxic ass droppings.

I have gone in there many a day when she has decided to grace the porcelain God with her presence & said "ohh mother of the baby Jesus of all the things unholy !! " *gag*... *double gag*

Co workers and I have feebly attempted to mask this stench that carries out into the hallway with plug ins . Well as soon as she sees one in there she removes and hides it.  We have numerous cans of Lysol Febreeze and such sprays which she wont use. We have a fan in the bathroom which she wont turn on. It makes you fucken wonder who the hell could live with that!! (as in with her)

I am currently googling masks to survive my daily pee runs.

And the absolute worst part of it all??? ( you may be asking yourself how could it get worse)

The floaters this woman leaves! There's something called double flush, for the love of Captain Hook !!!!

I mean do you truly have no couth ?

I think pranks are rightfully in order after enduring 3+ years of this hellish, subliminal office scat session.

OK  mofo head biter on TMI Medusa's shyt out , peace yo.

...and may you never endure this lack of personal hygiene!

Waldo !!! Where are you !?!? Come out come out wherever you are...

Wellllll Hello there my adorable cute bling blang bloggers ..
So I have been recently crucified for lack of bloggering
Thank you Porky . . . that was some funny shyt.. for realz yo !!

I look at my life and I see a lot of laughs in it ..
*microphone feedback* I would like to thank my munchkins and family whom I laugh at daily.. I laugh at myself for the idiotic things I do thinking they are well thought out ideas (yea not so much)
and most recently added to the Quirky Whacky Jacky bunch is my mofo of hotness BF.. JB
(he uses those Army abbrev's on me all the time which most times I am soo not following what he says FOB to the PPP to the SEC say whaaa ??? so I will us my texting abbrevs ~ so HA !!!)

please note Lulu has NOT cleaned yet .. in fact the tornado zone has now spread to the hall way and the toy room
well all I can say is .. my darlin dears Lulu and lil man will be leaving in 10 days to visit their father in PA
when they come back from their summer visit ... they are gonna be in for an awakening (not so much my lil man he keeps his room clean) but the house is being DE-cluttered from top to bottom - and best news YET !!! I've recruited PORKSTAR to help me - - WAHOOO - Can not wait to see ya buddy boy !!!
Porky and I will not spend our entire week together cleaning .. We are gonna go catch a show of some dude named ... uhh
ommm .. Dabney Coley ? no no .. umm Dick Cock ?? no no no .. DANE COOK !!!
yes!! the one !!! the only: DC : is coming to SC and so is SG !!(aka Porkstar)!

Poor Porky - Yesterday he was headless ..
I had not heard from hunny bunny luver boy who happens to be in the throws of hella - aka IRAQ
which threw me thru a loop and made me insta-head slicing and dicing beeeeotch ..
I was chopping heads like a sous chef:: waaasshaa woooshaaa chop chop chop slice slice
Porkster being my bestie .. always get the sharpest end of the sword first .. bless his throat .. I dunno why he still luvs me
turns out my sunshine was out on a mission ..
* note to joshy baby, do NOT leave me hanging like that again* mmkay! great! thanks !

Soo today I have received my adorably tine cute new itsy bitsy little laptop - its PINK !!!



I have broken and caved in to finally purchase one .. at home I have a self made desktop from ohhh 7 or 8 years ago .. and it freezes up like there is no honey in the middle of the ocean.... since sunshine luver boy is over fighting for our freedom , and I being the busy queen I am with 2 kids and sports and house things to do always .. laptop totally the answer!!! talk to him as i do laundry or cook dinner .
yay for modern technology .. which as Porky will tell you and he pokes fun calling me Amish . . I tend to be years behind on this techno shyt .. Porkstar has totally introduced me to many a things .. and he has set up accounts for most of them lol
but the most hysterical ironic completely innocent part to all of that is this little funny story
My father came from PA to visit me last week - we are from a northeastern part of PA .. at least a good hour from Lancaster aka Amish Country
he has a gift for me .. it is a keychain .. on one side it has a pic of a horse and buggy and says Amish Country
the other has my name ( which is spelled with only one L in Michele) .. when he gave it to me all i saw was Amish country ..
the kicker is not 2 days before had Mister PorknBeanz freakin cracked at me calling me Amish bcz i am behind in the new wave age thingy... so i immediately think its a conspiracy !!! (schizo's tend to think as such)
and i respond .. REALLY ?? DAD ??
( still thinking its a joke on me) then i flip it over & see the name ..
and we laugh as i tell him the story behind my initial hesitation of acceptance ...
growing up the only way I could have something with my name spelled correctly on it was if i WROTE it on there myself - one time when i was 5 Mom made me a dress that had my name on the front :D too bad i was a mega tomboy and hated wearing dresses (sorry mom)

righty o I thinks I have spilled enuff blah on this page for the moment ..

What has happened so far!

Today's post is brought to you by PorkStar

Howdy ya'll.

So I have hacked in Shell's blogger thingie and decided to make a post since she's so "busy" to write crap, eventhough she can gladfully call me and talk my ear off for a good hour with gossip and Joshy business.

Now, she doesn't know I'm posting this, but once peeps start commenting, she'll know through her email and I will get my spanking and my craneum chewed off to pieces and prolly regurgitated and slurped back in.

But I'm taking my chances because....

I'm an asshat like that.

So, I will pretend I'm her today and ramble.

*removes underwear

*****

So hey, you guys, how are my bloggity peeps doing today?

I soooo apologize from the bottom of my belly for not posting and entertaining the few people of ya'll with my stories about being a single wrangler of two kiddos and a thick boyfriend in Iraq blowing up shit for fun.

It's exactly a month you guys, a month since I wrote anything in here but you must understand, a single hot mommy such as myself, working full time has very little time in her hands to be doing stuff she's not supposed to.

However, I seldom listen to reason (aka PorkStar) and I do what I fucking want and end up playing in facebook and talking smack to my lovely cute little lover boy Joshy baby during work hours (I know i'm a corny white chic sometimes but hey, I'm in love with him and in return he loooooooooooooves me) and then have to work overtime in order to catch up and I hires me a nanny to take care of my kiddos, which if looking at it from a social point of view, I'm adding to the creation of new jobs and thus, helping the economy grow.

Or some shit like that.

Ok fine I don't do that because I am broke and I rather spend time with my babies than being here in this place.

This entire month has been the busiest thus far. Taking the kids to practice, pimping my car out with some kick ass lights and shit of that sort because I'm a cool chic and I love the attention that is given to my car.

And to its driver as well.  : )

..And I took pics of the job being done to my BMW and posted them on Facebook. I suck greatly at taking pics so most of them were blurry and since my car is black, I forgot and took some pics of it without any light and all you can see is a black blub of nothingness.

Also I added a pic of me in the bathroom and it accidentally showed the toilet paper right infront of the pic.

Sergio said that apparently the hard work on cars (although all I did was sit there looking pretty) makes one want to go and take a number 2.

But I don't do that cause I'm a lady. A delicate flower.

So I cussed him out and he said the TP looked rougher than what he uses (apparently bounty, for what he said) and I then teased him about it cause, who uses bounty as TP?

Apparently him. Nasty fucker.

Anyways, there's also a never ending job of straigtening the house and making it look descent, tidy. But Lucy loo is a little human tornado / tazmanian devil and by the next day, there are toys and clothes spread out all over the house. ALL OVER THE HOUSE you hear!?!

But we girls tend to be like that too, I understand her because we love being messy, we loooooove being messy!!! Ok not me.

For Memorial day my brother and sis in law took us, along with their kids to Myrtle Beach and we had a super grand time.

Now, I don't know how to use a digicam and I thought cleaning the lens with an oily finger was a good idea, but apparently not. All the pics came up a bit blurry with a long oily smudge in the middle. 

I had recently applied sun protection, thus the oily finger.

I swear that finger was NOT, I repeat, was NOT anywhere else.

You pervs.

It was sunny, windy and lovely overthere. The kids loved playing in the pool, burying themselves in the sand and my brother made a lovely sand statue of a mermaid with Lucy's head.

No, he did not detach her head, although she drives me so nuts I wish I could do it, but she was actually buried in the sand, all smiles.

And I got some sun too wooo hooo

You see, I'm a white, pale skinny chic (with a hot ass, mind you) and my tiny ass blue bikini made me look this thin: |

But I didn't care because I was worried I hadn't heard from my Joshy baby in like 5 days and I almost crapped my pants from not having any news of him.

Again, that didn't happen because I'm a delicate flower and we don't just shit like that, you know.

Anyways, near the pool I had the laptop and a fag (cigarrette) dangling from my potty mouth trying to relief some stress (PG13 only).

At last I heard from the boy in the Sandbox and I was able to breathe and relax knowing that his hot cute self was alright overthere.

That's all that's been happening for now. I haven't even spoken/chatted that much to Sergio because sometimes I'm a little cocky cunt like that and I rather talk to my Joshy baby because, he WILL own me!.

and I like to leave Sergio hanging and not answer his questions because... sigh...I'm too busy for him... lol jk

Ok Sergio has just been busy at work and I dont like to interrupt him when he's all professional and intellectual and cute as a button and all that.

So that is all I have to say for today. I hope ya'll kiddies have a nice weekend. I'll be back next week with some more adventures woo hoo!

sheeeesh Mom what were you thinking !!

Soooo hey .. it has been a little while since I have graced blog world .. forgive me ..
between being uber busy at work, and running round like a Turkey being chased on Thanksgiving Eve
with baseball for the 2 munchkin butts .. whoooo Im saying "Calgon Take me away !!"

Let me tell you a story about my little LuLu .. this child comes off with some funny asz shyt
I dared to enter her room which i had just cleaned last week .. and when i did i promise you I could not see an inch of the floor .. as it was covered in clothes and blankets and stuffed animals - I was just about to call her up to interrogate her as to why every square inch of her room was covered like Times Square on New Years eve night , when I looked under her bed .. what do I find under there ????????
NOTHING not a gosh darn freakin thing .. not even a dust bunny !!!!
I call the Queen up .. and ask her how in the world one person could make such a mess in so little time covering her entire room .. she says Mother .. my WHOLE room is NOT a mess .. under my bed is clean ...
How does one NOT burst out laughing at that .. I told her she had to clean her room of course .. well guess where the punk slept last night ? .. nope not in my bed .. she went off to the toy room and slept on the spare bed ..
I am baffled .. I thought i made it clear to her i turned in my maids outfit and retired .. HA

And for the record .. I miss my boyfriend .. the sooner he gets home from Iraq , the happier I will be
I heart him n miss him

This is how my heart breaks...

Right .. So .. uhhhh ..
i thought when feeling completely miserable, down to the last ion in my stick figured body..
what better way to get the weight of the world off my back by blogging ..

Today .. my heart is broken into three hundred gazillion pieces .. at the loss of a long time ,near to my heart, friend's brother .. Ive known Big P for ohhh 17 years and I have always loved this man .. I love him .. so when the news had gotten to me about his little brother, my chest has been tight since the call and not gone away and i wanted to cry SO so badly .. but what the fock do I do instead ?? my eyes just gloss over , no tears .. I haven't cried in so freakin long that even now when I want to I can not .. I would like to give that award to my mother .. thats a story in itself which i have no intention of telling at present ..


flip me a mile up the river .. i thought blogging would help .. but i still feel numb and overcome with sadness

whoa .. like Joey says from Gimme a Break ...

Right-y-o then ....

Let me start with last night .. hmm .. nope .. back up even more .. to yesterday morning ...

Guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed becuz i just wasnt my chipper bubbley self at all ..
it was a crazy busy day - stemming from a 3 day weekend , and it was Monday, I didnt sleep more than 2 or 3 hours Sunday night ... by the time 5pm came .. I found out that LuLu's baseball game was canceled due to rain .. however my little man's appearance in the AAA opening night game was still on ...

Due to the schedule change, I bought a ticket for Lulu n I ...
Well .. the other kids that my son was to go out onto the field with (fellow ball players) seemed to all be wild and unruly
ok fine well they arent my kids .. but the way i was raised was.. most especially in public u damn better behave or you will suffer later... and i in turn try to raise my kids the same .. except all of ya'll who know me .. know I suck donkey tit at enforcing ANY punishment at all .. ok back to point .. my kids stood beside me .. and for the most part they were truly fine ( compared to the kids who were picking up rocks and throwing them) my munchkins played wth each other .. for whatever reason i had a damn stick up my asz !@#@! and was not amused at their bouts of fun ... begging them to settle blah blah freakin blah ... yup smack me up side my stoopid head ..

FF(FastForward): we go to our seats .. we watch 4 innings and now the time is going for 9pm .. well its a school night and we have many a things to do before bed so it was time to go ... the kids didnt seem that into the game anyways chit chatting and checking everything else out ..

FF a little more .. we are at home and the kids are asking for something or other .. as i am trying to do my momly duties of cleaning cooking and such ... when my youngest asked for something - I was in the kitchen she was in the dining room .. my response was .. well darlin daughter .. i love ya but u kids really didnt behave at the game .. so i think no .... without hesitation she retorts " Mom we didnt act u p.. we are kids and we were acting like kids, we are only able to do that once in our lives and thats right now" and i am certain she threw in a sheesh or goooollly afterwards ... i immediately stopped turned to her and had her come in the kitchen - i said babe .. what did u say ?? .. she repeated it again , and added .. "really mom , we can not act like this once we get older ya know " in her matter of fact voice ...
I about had tears in my eyes and a huge grin on my face which made us both erupt in laughter .. I said mm hmm .. you are exactly right .. go on and do whatever it was u asked permission for ( Im drawing a blank at present to what it even was)
may i remind you this little angel just turned 8 years old ..

It just made me think ... as a parent .. I worry too much sometimes about my presentation of the children 2 the world .. spending too much time on that instead of focusing on the important stuff like letting them enjoy the innocence and joy of childhood for the few short years they are able .... and if only we as adults could kick back more often and act like kids ( the way i do too often lol ) we may find ourselves a little bit of happiness ..
I love those kids more every single day than anything else in the world = )
they construct the beating of my heart ..
and also give me some hella cool stories to share =)
<3
Have a great tipsy Tuesday !