Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Pranks ... and such

OK so .. first .. hello !!!! I have missed you blog world ..

right then .. I have the joyous awesomeness of working with Medussa (office mate) .. she has become increasingly jerkish and ever more deserving of pranks .. her down right soul-less attitude towards the world makes me want to eat spinach and wind a punch up and send her to the MOON .. to the moon Alice ..
but I have not had the time ..
I have used spiders because as of late they are an abundance here ..
but once they are used 2x and I do not receive the same thrill...
So I also switched up her key buttons on her keyboard ..

So I beg of you ... help me pppuuuhhhlllease .... pretty please
I need something fresh , something new ..
and sadly soemthing harmless that will not give me 5-7 years in a 10x10 next to Martha..

Well back to the lovely world of "no free time" aka work ..

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

La di da di daaaaa

Oh my my my ... WHERE have you been HeadChomper ???
who me ??
well I was a tad bit busy.
I still have some blog world to catch up on but I promise I am making my rounds
I love you all dearly and miss reading it all..
So call me a slack hacker pants .. I know it .. I am.

Right then.. hunny bunny lover boy is currently on his 2 week tour of duty leave ..
Why do I have to have a job again ( limiting my time with him and our kids)
oh shoot , because if I didn't , we would most likely live in cardboard boxes designed with sidewalk chalk
and I couldn't be in love with reading your blogs !

Seriously .. things have been SO busy that I can not think straight ..
And I am again short on time so I have to flippin hurry the frick up with THIS post
Arrrg * my pirate grunt *

So lets me thinks about what funniness that has happened that I can share ......

Have I mentioned I adopted my boyfriends family .. OHhhh yes I have ..
I love them .. and it is funny when darling dear is sitting right next to me
and his father texts me and not him HA HA ha * insert giggles*
The funny irony to that is when we first met and he told me of his family,
I joked saying while he was deployed in Iraq I would indeed adopt them
since my family all live 800 miles away, despite the fact that I had never met
anyone from his family at the time of me saying that to him.

My Fed ex pick up dude came in this afternoon .. we always shoot the flim flam
he is a little bit older, I wanna say 50's but cool dude non the less.
He came in and says .. hey your co-worker Medusa just pulled up , we should lock the front door and not let her in
I crumbled in laughter to the mere fact that he said that !!! I mean .. I am used to the co workers and
I conspiring against her and putting dead spiders in her office chair or onions in her garbage can to brew over the weekend and smelly up her office for Monday morning !! but to have the Fed ex guy hop in was just peaked awesomeness !!

let the games begin !!!

Another Angel ...

For real .. I hate your GUTS death !!
you can burn in the ever loving inferno of hells depths ..

Today I was informed one of the sweet darling dears I have worked with has taken her flight to the heavens above to bounce from cloud to cloud ...

I worked with her for the last 3.5 years
I never met her in person .. but when you deal with someone through
the internet and on the phone like every other day , you build a personal relationship with them .. at least that is when I am on the other end , becuz Gosh dang flab it I love to be personable with my peoples

So you get to know the people you deal with .. on a personal level .. you joke back and forth and stuff
you share stories and dreams ... laughter and try to make each others day a little brighter

My eyes filled with tears thinking WTF !!!! I just talked to her LAST WEEK !!!!! on the phone !!
and even less then a week ago via email ... oh gawd her poor husband and daughters ...

So dear Lord .. I know I don't come to you often .. but please .. I pray for her and her family and friends.

Rest easy my friend .. I will deeply miss you.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Need me some LiLu

OK ... so .. right .. check it out .. its like this ...

Nothing like just minding my own squirrely business,
catching up in my internet addictions of blog-world and FB ..
when I accidentally stumble upon .....
----- > > > >

ramblings between kid sister and supposed bestie ..
in which said back & forths between them, are not nice things said about me. awesome.
(initial reaction in my exhausted head.. w t f ???, havent even talked to either, just been minding my own effin bees wax)

As I sit here .. teeter tottering over which way I should play this out:

Truth be told I already know I will ignore and pretend hurtful things were not said
why ? !?!?!
indeed .. why ???
because .. as a person who grew up the victim of life time teasings and such..
I have come to realize that humans can be down right mean without a shred of consciousness.

think happy thoughts- think happy thoughts .. rainbows, leprechauns with bowls of gold (come on do you really think they could pick up a pot full of gold )
think think think - well there are 4 beers in the work fridge .. i wonder if anyone would notice me sneaking one in the ladies room and chugging them.. I mean who would notice if i were inebriated ?? surely I wouldnt slur words after chugging 4 miller lites .. come on they are miller froggin lites !!

ohhh I KNOW !!!! READ LILU's blog ...

HA ! one sure fire way to make me laugh and get me out of ANY funk is to read the queen of all that is funny
If you have not ever read her blogs .. you really must .. she is not the dry laugh kind of funny.
NO ! no my dearlings .. she is fall out of your chair, liquids come out of your nose funny!
I would advise you to NOT drink or eat as you read her writings .. it is THAT hysterical.
Lilu is my idol !!! I wanna be like her when I grow up :)

I am SOOO doing this to my office mate Medussa - and I wont wait for April either!!! I can already hear her volatile yells at the computer screen - demanding it to correct itself .. eeek i love evilness !!

April Fool’s Day is always a lot of fun – you have to keep your guard up at all times because your coworkers might get you with a little prank, or you might just be taken in by an article from the mainstream media or one of your favorite blogs.

My favorite office prank. One of the best pranks I pulled on someone at work wasn’t actually on April Fool’s Day. I have a former coworker who is technically savvy – he is great with databases, creating wicked queries, troubleshooting coding problems, etc. A couple years ago I decided it would be a good idea to have a little fun with him. So I popped off the “N” and “M” keys from his keyboard and switched them. Then I waited.

A couple hours later I heard him muttering under his breath. After listening to a couple minutes of muttering followed by silence and more muttering I asked him what was going on. He told me he couldn’t type certain words correctly. I convinced him to restart his computer. Since it takes awhile he got up to get another cup of coffee – and I jumped into his seat, popped out the keys, switched them, and went back to work like nothing happened. I only feigned interest when he returned and declared the problem “fixed.”

This went on for about… 3 months. Evil, I know! It got to the point he called over our technical support team lead, who also couldn’t figure out the problem. Since he and the tech guy were both “software” type people, they tend to think in terms of code. They were restarting his computer, doing spyware sweeps, looking for corrupt sectors on his hard drive, examining recently added software, etc. After about an hour of this one morning, and at the point they were about to swap out his hard drive, I walked over to the keyboard with a pair of scissors, popped off the keys and swapped them out and said, “try it now.”

The look on their face was priceless! And I hate to think what would have happened if I wasn’t there to prevent the hard drive replacement!

Thursday, July 2, 2009


Thank the good Lord - I have heard from my darling dear .. Communications are now back up in the sandbox hell (aka Iraq)

HBP will now be returning to her normal psycho self :D

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Protect your necks, here comes the swords !! swish swish

OHHH how doest thou love me darling porkster??

Bless his weakened heart. He was very nearly left be-headed this afternoon.

I sincerely tried to retract my claws and fangs, swords and guillotines.

But of all things holy, all i did was say hello where u been ??? and the boy felt it necessary to immediately diiiiig deep and find maybe ONE thing that could possibly set me off and he succeeded..

Commence be-heading. I felt like Henry VIII set out the immediate order himself for my dear Porky and did my dearest Porkster run ? hide? quiver in fear? say his last prayers of redemption??

*caption: Chomp the motherfucker!

NOOOOO no he did not, he immediately became like Wolverine from the XMEN and his steel claws also came out!

Next thing I knew it was a full on , hair pulling , screeching , bitch slapping , pissing contest.

First please note this has been a hell-acious week for me - I am not looking for pity at all , nor compassion .. but when I clearly hang the Warning Sign up and next to it a white flag ... that could only mean KEEEP OUT or risk losing your beloved head..

I am absolutely loathing in self misery as my sweet cherished kiddos are in PA visitng their father leaving me as a walking zombie becuz even one day away from them tears my heart up.

Secondly , the boyfriend is MIA - as in I effin HATE YOU Iraq with a passion
All communications have been lost there for the last 3 days every hour that goes by feels like an eternity plus one day.

Thirdly , yesterday I woke with a full blown killer migraine - and was in the worst of excruciating pains .. anyone who has ever suffered migraines knows there is nothing worse than a full blown migraine which is more than just a wicked headache, it started off that i was blind , the throbbing in my head was SO bad i could not even get out of bed to get some meds or pee.

- EW no i didnt pee my bed -

I went back to sleep till i was ready to explode lol- also the lovely accompanying migraine affects include nausea hot and cold shakes extreme sensitivity to light and sound and over all readiness to devour anything or anyone who dares to bravely come within 2500 feet of you.

I would rather any other part of the body be in pain over a migraine - and i can talk from experience as i have severely suffered pain elsewhere and have had migraines since i was 20 yrs old.

Also what happens after a full blown migraine is equally miserable the massive head pain typically simmers down to a miserable lighter aching throbbing annoying persistant biotch of a mofo. The day after the initial full blown migraine is usually followed by what I have dubbed as the Migraine hangover a headache which no meds will take away ( it will try to keep it at bay) , but it stays and aches and hurts and makes you utterly miserable.

So to my sweet bestie who is oh so not scared to lose his ever loving head to the queen of mean .. thank you for always sucking up ur blood for me and hanging in there :D

I heart u
bestie ...

Monday, June 29, 2009

Tasers tasers everywhere I go ... and in this corner we have blue lightning

OOOOOOOKKKK then my little blogger bugs...

I have OH so much to catch you up on ..
let us start with the Transformers #2 movie .. was kick asz .. and yea .. there are some taser-ings in this awesome action packed laugh out loudly movie !!!

And it tickled me till I was polka dotted blue that it was in the movie just a day after I blogged that Taser story ...

-long throat clearing - taps orchestra conductors stick thingy -

Thursday rolls around

Porkster and I go to see DANE COOK .. Yes madams and sirs you heard me correctly, Mister Dane Cook .. he is absolutely for years been my all time favorite comedian
The show kicked mega asz - funny and just awesomeness (pics to come later), but the topic that I fell out of my seat on ??

why yes !?!!? TASERS !!!!!

It seems the world is now on a taser gun kick .. which hey more power to ya people if you are looking for the head biter , she will be locked in her house until you are all over that phase !!!! or maybe i could wrap up in like bubble tape ? or Charmin ?? to deflect any tasing attempts.

If PorkStar was still here you can cow chasing , dog tail waggin bet that mofo would tase me till i twitched and drooled .. in fact I heard him thinking how awesome it would be to do it to try to wake me up, record it and youtube it.

Thank the blessed baby Jebodiha he is in NY/NJ now and I am safe.

...and darling dear
JB (AKA Boyfriend) dont get any ideas either, I will sooo freaking kung fu & jujitsu ur spaghetti stringed body into next week, mmmkay ...

YAY for only being one month away from his little mid tour R&R .. miss ya sunshine