Need me some LiLu

OK ... so .. right .. check it out .. its like this ...

Nothing like just minding my own squirrely business,
catching up in my internet addictions of blog-world and FB ..
when I accidentally stumble upon .....
WAIT FOR IT ....
----- > > > >


ramblings between kid sister and supposed bestie ..
in which said back & forths between them, are not nice things said about me. awesome.
(initial reaction in my exhausted head.. w t f ???, havent even talked to either, just been minding my own effin bees wax)

As I sit here .. teeter tottering over which way I should play this out:
Slaughter
or
Ignore

Truth be told I already know I will ignore and pretend hurtful things were not said
why ? !?!?!
indeed .. why ???
because .. as a person who grew up the victim of life time teasings and such..
I have come to realize that humans can be down right mean without a shred of consciousness.

OOOOOKKKKK
think happy thoughts- think happy thoughts .. rainbows, leprechauns with bowls of gold (come on do you really think they could pick up a pot full of gold )
think think think - well there are 4 beers in the work fridge .. i wonder if anyone would notice me sneaking one in the ladies room and chugging them.. I mean who would notice if i were inebriated ?? surely I wouldnt slur words after chugging 4 miller lites .. come on they are miller froggin lites !!

ohhh I KNOW !!!! READ LILU's blog ...

HA ! one sure fire way to make me laugh and get me out of ANY funk is to read the queen of all that is funny
If you have not ever read her blogs .. you really must .. she is not the dry laugh kind of funny.
NO ! no my dearlings .. she is fall out of your chair, liquids come out of your nose funny!
I would advise you to NOT drink or eat as you read her writings .. it is THAT hysterical.
Lilu is my idol !!! I wanna be like her when I grow up :)



I am SOOO doing this to my office mate Medussa - and I wont wait for April either!!! I can already hear her volatile yells at the computer screen - demanding it to correct itself .. eeek i love evilness !!

April Fool’s Day is always a lot of fun – you have to keep your guard up at all times because your coworkers might get you with a little prank, or you might just be taken in by an article from the mainstream media or one of your favorite blogs.

My favorite office prank. One of the best pranks I pulled on someone at work wasn’t actually on April Fool’s Day. I have a former coworker who is technically savvy – he is great with databases, creating wicked queries, troubleshooting coding problems, etc. A couple years ago I decided it would be a good idea to have a little fun with him. So I popped off the “N” and “M” keys from his keyboard and switched them. Then I waited.

A couple hours later I heard him muttering under his breath. After listening to a couple minutes of muttering followed by silence and more muttering I asked him what was going on. He told me he couldn’t type certain words correctly. I convinced him to restart his computer. Since it takes awhile he got up to get another cup of coffee – and I jumped into his seat, popped out the keys, switched them, and went back to work like nothing happened. I only feigned interest when he returned and declared the problem “fixed.”

This went on for about… 3 months. Evil, I know! It got to the point he called over our technical support team lead, who also couldn’t figure out the problem. Since he and the tech guy were both “software” type people, they tend to think in terms of code. They were restarting his computer, doing spyware sweeps, looking for corrupt sectors on his hard drive, examining recently added software, etc. After about an hour of this one morning, and at the point they were about to swap out his hard drive, I walked over to the keyboard with a pair of scissors, popped off the keys and swapped them out and said, “try it now.”

The look on their face was priceless! And I hate to think what would have happened if I wasn’t there to prevent the hard drive replacement!

UPDATE

Thank the good Lord - I have heard from my darling dear .. Communications are now back up in the sandbox hell (aka Iraq)

HBP will now be returning to her normal psycho self :D

Protect your necks, here comes the swords !! swish swish

OHHH how doest thou love me darling porkster??

Bless his weakened heart. He was very nearly left be-headed this afternoon.

I sincerely tried to retract my claws and fangs, swords and guillotines.



But of all things holy, all i did was say hello where u been ??? and the boy felt it necessary to immediately diiiiig deep and find maybe ONE thing that could possibly set me off and he succeeded..

Commence be-heading. I felt like Henry VIII set out the immediate order himself for my dear Porky and did my dearest Porkster run ? hide? quiver in fear? say his last prayers of redemption??

>
*caption: Chomp the motherfucker!

NOOOOO no he did not, he immediately became like Wolverine from the XMEN and his steel claws also came out!

Next thing I knew it was a full on , hair pulling , screeching , bitch slapping , pissing contest.

First please note this has been a hell-acious week for me - I am not looking for pity at all , nor compassion .. but when I clearly hang the Warning Sign up and next to it a white flag ... that could only mean KEEEP OUT or risk losing your beloved head..

I am absolutely loathing in self misery as my sweet cherished kiddos are in PA visitng their father leaving me as a walking zombie becuz even one day away from them tears my heart up.

Secondly , the boyfriend is MIA - as in I effin HATE YOU Iraq with a passion
All communications have been lost there for the last 3 days every hour that goes by feels like an eternity plus one day.

Thirdly , yesterday I woke with a full blown killer migraine - and was in the worst of excruciating pains .. anyone who has ever suffered migraines knows there is nothing worse than a full blown migraine which is more than just a wicked headache, it started off that i was blind , the throbbing in my head was SO bad i could not even get out of bed to get some meds or pee.

- EW no i didnt pee my bed -

I went back to sleep till i was ready to explode lol- also the lovely accompanying migraine affects include nausea hot and cold shakes extreme sensitivity to light and sound and over all readiness to devour anything or anyone who dares to bravely come within 2500 feet of you.



I would rather any other part of the body be in pain over a migraine - and i can talk from experience as i have severely suffered pain elsewhere and have had migraines since i was 20 yrs old.

Also what happens after a full blown migraine is equally miserable the massive head pain typically simmers down to a miserable lighter aching throbbing annoying persistant biotch of a mofo. The day after the initial full blown migraine is usually followed by what I have dubbed as the Migraine hangover a headache which no meds will take away ( it will try to keep it at bay) , but it stays and aches and hurts and makes you utterly miserable.

So to my sweet bestie who is oh so not scared to lose his ever loving head to the queen of mean .. thank you for always sucking up ur blood for me and hanging in there :D

I heart u bestie ...

Tasers tasers everywhere I go ... and in this corner we have blue lightning

OOOOOOOKKKK then my little blogger bugs...

I have OH so much to catch you up on ..
let us start with the Transformers #2 movie .. was kick asz .. and yea .. there are some taser-ings in this awesome action packed laugh out loudly movie !!!

And it tickled me till I was polka dotted blue that it was in the movie just a day after I blogged that Taser story ...

-long throat clearing - taps orchestra conductors stick thingy -

Thursday rolls around

Bestie Porkster and I go to see DANE COOK .. Yes madams and sirs you heard me correctly, Mister Dane Cook .. he is absolutely for years been my all time favorite comedian
The show kicked mega asz - funny and just awesomeness (pics to come later), but the topic that I fell out of my seat on ??

why yes !?!!? TASERS !!!!!

It seems the world is now on a taser gun kick .. which hey more power to ya people if you are looking for the head biter , she will be locked in her house until you are all over that phase !!!! or maybe i could wrap up in like bubble tape ? or Charmin ?? to deflect any tasing attempts.

If PorkStar was still here you can cow chasing , dog tail waggin bet that mofo would tase me till i twitched and drooled .. in fact I heard him thinking how awesome it would be to do it to try to wake me up, record it and youtube it.

Thank the blessed baby Jebodiha he is in NY/NJ now and I am safe.

...and darling dear JB (AKA Boyfriend) dont get any ideas either, I will sooo freaking kung fu & jujitsu ur spaghetti stringed body into next week, mmmkay ...

YAY for only being one month away from his little mid tour R&R .. miss ya sunshine

Caution to Men !!!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this story:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip shit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!


(captioned:Because somtimes words just aren't enough)

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.


I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:


there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.


The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.


Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.



I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

TMI Thursday: Dirty Sanchez Medusa.

Here's my cherry popping TMI, so please, be gentle.

Warning: R+ rated for fuckin foul language & shit talk. Not exactly a Sanchez post

but equally dirty.

TMI Thursdays sponsored by the queen of sharing your shit or someone else's, momma Lilu:

Well well well ...

It is about time I write my very first TMI post.

At least porky thinks so since he's always asking, begging, pleading and attempting to corrupt me into writing TMI things, but I'm too propper for that so imma talk about someone else instead:

aaaaaaand so it begins:

Let me catch you up to speed .. I work in an office full of men, and one other "woman" aside from lovely ME.

I say "woman" because she is more like an amazon nasty ass beast whom we shall appropriately nick name Medusa. She is like a black widow I tell you, crazy crazy and MEAN with her poisonous scorpion tail.. GASP OHHH that bitch! ...

OK so check it out .. we have a nice little nonchalant ladies room here .. yes.. a pisser room.. ya know??








RIGHTYO then ...

It just so happens that Medusa likes to drop the atomic bombs here at work , and I mean ATOMIC! ok?. I have walked in there after her and my eyes would well up with tears, real live tears, get green in the face and have to walk the f*ck back out .. GAwww, can't a girl go pee when she has to ??

Nooo, not here. There are only 2 potty rooms here... the boys and the girls potty.

Sometimes since there are more boys then girls, the boys will overflow into my bathroom , those testosterone bitches, but when they do,  they have come to talk morning shit with me (not literally like Medusa's) and we hash over her toxic ass droppings.

I have gone in there many a day when she has decided to grace the porcelain God with her presence & said "ohh mother of the baby Jesus of all the things unholy !! " *gag*... *double gag*

Co workers and I have feebly attempted to mask this stench that carries out into the hallway with plug ins . Well as soon as she sees one in there she removes and hides it.  We have numerous cans of Lysol Febreeze and such sprays which she wont use. We have a fan in the bathroom which she wont turn on. It makes you fucken wonder who the hell could live with that!! (as in with her)

I am currently googling masks to survive my daily pee runs.

And the absolute worst part of it all??? ( you may be asking yourself how could it get worse)

The floaters this woman leaves! There's something called double flush, for the love of Captain Hook !!!!

I mean do you truly have no couth ?

I think pranks are rightfully in order after enduring 3+ years of this hellish, subliminal office scat session.

OK  mofo head biter on TMI Medusa's shyt out , peace yo.

...and may you never endure this lack of personal hygiene!

Waldo !!! Where are you !?!? Come out come out wherever you are...

Wellllll Hello there my adorable cute bling blang bloggers ..
So I have been recently crucified for lack of bloggering
Thank you Porky . . . that was some funny shyt.. for realz yo !!

I look at my life and I see a lot of laughs in it ..
*microphone feedback* I would like to thank my munchkins and family whom I laugh at daily.. I laugh at myself for the idiotic things I do thinking they are well thought out ideas (yea not so much)
and most recently added to the Quirky Whacky Jacky bunch is my mofo of hotness BF.. JB
(he uses those Army abbrev's on me all the time which most times I am soo not following what he says FOB to the PPP to the SEC say whaaa ??? so I will us my texting abbrevs ~ so HA !!!)

please note Lulu has NOT cleaned yet .. in fact the tornado zone has now spread to the hall way and the toy room
well all I can say is .. my darlin dears Lulu and lil man will be leaving in 10 days to visit their father in PA
when they come back from their summer visit ... they are gonna be in for an awakening (not so much my lil man he keeps his room clean) but the house is being DE-cluttered from top to bottom - and best news YET !!! I've recruited PORKSTAR to help me - - WAHOOO - Can not wait to see ya buddy boy !!!
Porky and I will not spend our entire week together cleaning .. We are gonna go catch a show of some dude named ... uhh
ommm .. Dabney Coley ? no no .. umm Dick Cock ?? no no no .. DANE COOK !!!
yes!! the one !!! the only: DC : is coming to SC and so is SG !!(aka Porkstar)!

Poor Porky - Yesterday he was headless ..
I had not heard from hunny bunny luver boy who happens to be in the throws of hella - aka IRAQ
which threw me thru a loop and made me insta-head slicing and dicing beeeeotch ..
I was chopping heads like a sous chef:: waaasshaa woooshaaa chop chop chop slice slice
Porkster being my bestie .. always get the sharpest end of the sword first .. bless his throat .. I dunno why he still luvs me
turns out my sunshine was out on a mission ..
* note to joshy baby, do NOT leave me hanging like that again* mmkay! great! thanks !

Soo today I have received my adorably tine cute new itsy bitsy little laptop - its PINK !!!



I have broken and caved in to finally purchase one .. at home I have a self made desktop from ohhh 7 or 8 years ago .. and it freezes up like there is no honey in the middle of the ocean.... since sunshine luver boy is over fighting for our freedom , and I being the busy queen I am with 2 kids and sports and house things to do always .. laptop totally the answer!!! talk to him as i do laundry or cook dinner .
yay for modern technology .. which as Porky will tell you and he pokes fun calling me Amish . . I tend to be years behind on this techno shyt .. Porkstar has totally introduced me to many a things .. and he has set up accounts for most of them lol
but the most hysterical ironic completely innocent part to all of that is this little funny story
My father came from PA to visit me last week - we are from a northeastern part of PA .. at least a good hour from Lancaster aka Amish Country
he has a gift for me .. it is a keychain .. on one side it has a pic of a horse and buggy and says Amish Country
the other has my name ( which is spelled with only one L in Michele) .. when he gave it to me all i saw was Amish country ..
the kicker is not 2 days before had Mister PorknBeanz freakin cracked at me calling me Amish bcz i am behind in the new wave age thingy... so i immediately think its a conspiracy !!! (schizo's tend to think as such)
and i respond .. REALLY ?? DAD ??
( still thinking its a joke on me) then i flip it over & see the name ..
and we laugh as i tell him the story behind my initial hesitation of acceptance ...
growing up the only way I could have something with my name spelled correctly on it was if i WROTE it on there myself - one time when i was 5 Mom made me a dress that had my name on the front :D too bad i was a mega tomboy and hated wearing dresses (sorry mom)

righty o I thinks I have spilled enuff blah on this page for the moment ..