Pranks ... and such

OK so .. first .. hello !!!! I have missed you blog world ..

right then .. I have the joyous awesomeness of working with Medussa (office mate) .. she has become increasingly jerkish and ever more deserving of pranks .. her down right soul-less attitude towards the world makes me want to eat spinach and wind a punch up and send her to the MOON .. to the moon Alice ..
but I have not had the time ..
I have used spiders because as of late they are an abundance here ..
but once they are used 2x and I do not receive the same thrill...
So I also switched up her key buttons on her keyboard ..

So I beg of you ... help me pppuuuhhhlllease .... pretty please
I need something fresh , something new ..
and sadly soemthing harmless that will not give me 5-7 years in a 10x10 next to Martha..

Well back to the lovely world of "no free time" aka work ..

La di da di daaaaa

Oh my my my ... WHERE have you been HeadChomper ???
who me ??
well I was a tad bit busy.
I still have some blog world to catch up on but I promise I am making my rounds
I love you all dearly and miss reading it all..
So call me a slack hacker pants .. I know it .. I am.

Right then.. hunny bunny lover boy is currently on his 2 week tour of duty leave ..
Why do I have to have a job again ( limiting my time with him and our kids)
oh shoot , because if I didn't , we would most likely live in cardboard boxes designed with sidewalk chalk
and I couldn't be in love with reading your blogs !

Seriously .. things have been SO busy that I can not think straight ..
And I am again short on time so I have to flippin hurry the frick up with THIS post
Arrrg * my pirate grunt *

So lets me thinks about what funniness that has happened that I can share ......

Have I mentioned I adopted my boyfriends family .. OHhhh yes I have ..
I love them .. and it is funny when darling dear is sitting right next to me
and his father texts me and not him HA HA ha * insert giggles*
The funny irony to that is when we first met and he told me of his family,
I joked saying while he was deployed in Iraq I would indeed adopt them
since my family all live 800 miles away, despite the fact that I had never met
anyone from his family at the time of me saying that to him.

My Fed ex pick up dude came in this afternoon .. we always shoot the flim flam
he is a little bit older, I wanna say 50's but cool dude non the less.
He came in and says .. hey your co-worker Medusa just pulled up , we should lock the front door and not let her in
I crumbled in laughter to the mere fact that he said that !!! I mean .. I am used to the co workers and
I conspiring against her and putting dead spiders in her office chair or onions in her garbage can to brew over the weekend and smelly up her office for Monday morning !! but to have the Fed ex guy hop in was just peaked awesomeness !!

let the games begin !!!

Another Angel ...

For real .. I hate your GUTS death !!
you can burn in the ever loving inferno of hells depths ..

Today I was informed one of the sweet darling dears I have worked with has taken her flight to the heavens above to bounce from cloud to cloud ...

I worked with her for the last 3.5 years
I never met her in person .. but when you deal with someone through
the internet and on the phone like every other day , you build a personal relationship with them .. at least that is when I am on the other end , becuz Gosh dang flab it I love to be personable with my peoples

So you get to know the people you deal with .. on a personal level .. you joke back and forth and stuff
you share stories and dreams ... laughter and try to make each others day a little brighter

My eyes filled with tears thinking WTF !!!! I just talked to her LAST WEEK !!!!! on the phone !!
and even less then a week ago via email ... oh gawd her poor husband and daughters ...

So dear Lord .. I know I don't come to you often .. but please .. I pray for her and her family and friends.

Rest easy my friend .. I will deeply miss you.

Need me some LiLu

OK ... so .. right .. check it out .. its like this ...

Nothing like just minding my own squirrely business,
catching up in my internet addictions of blog-world and FB ..
when I accidentally stumble upon .....
WAIT FOR IT ....
----- > > > >


ramblings between kid sister and supposed bestie ..
in which said back & forths between them, are not nice things said about me. awesome.
(initial reaction in my exhausted head.. w t f ???, havent even talked to either, just been minding my own effin bees wax)

As I sit here .. teeter tottering over which way I should play this out:
Slaughter
or
Ignore

Truth be told I already know I will ignore and pretend hurtful things were not said
why ? !?!?!
indeed .. why ???
because .. as a person who grew up the victim of life time teasings and such..
I have come to realize that humans can be down right mean without a shred of consciousness.

OOOOOKKKKK
think happy thoughts- think happy thoughts .. rainbows, leprechauns with bowls of gold (come on do you really think they could pick up a pot full of gold )
think think think - well there are 4 beers in the work fridge .. i wonder if anyone would notice me sneaking one in the ladies room and chugging them.. I mean who would notice if i were inebriated ?? surely I wouldnt slur words after chugging 4 miller lites .. come on they are miller froggin lites !!

ohhh I KNOW !!!! READ LILU's blog ...

HA ! one sure fire way to make me laugh and get me out of ANY funk is to read the queen of all that is funny
If you have not ever read her blogs .. you really must .. she is not the dry laugh kind of funny.
NO ! no my dearlings .. she is fall out of your chair, liquids come out of your nose funny!
I would advise you to NOT drink or eat as you read her writings .. it is THAT hysterical.
Lilu is my idol !!! I wanna be like her when I grow up :)



I am SOOO doing this to my office mate Medussa - and I wont wait for April either!!! I can already hear her volatile yells at the computer screen - demanding it to correct itself .. eeek i love evilness !!

April Fool’s Day is always a lot of fun – you have to keep your guard up at all times because your coworkers might get you with a little prank, or you might just be taken in by an article from the mainstream media or one of your favorite blogs.

My favorite office prank. One of the best pranks I pulled on someone at work wasn’t actually on April Fool’s Day. I have a former coworker who is technically savvy – he is great with databases, creating wicked queries, troubleshooting coding problems, etc. A couple years ago I decided it would be a good idea to have a little fun with him. So I popped off the “N” and “M” keys from his keyboard and switched them. Then I waited.

A couple hours later I heard him muttering under his breath. After listening to a couple minutes of muttering followed by silence and more muttering I asked him what was going on. He told me he couldn’t type certain words correctly. I convinced him to restart his computer. Since it takes awhile he got up to get another cup of coffee – and I jumped into his seat, popped out the keys, switched them, and went back to work like nothing happened. I only feigned interest when he returned and declared the problem “fixed.”

This went on for about… 3 months. Evil, I know! It got to the point he called over our technical support team lead, who also couldn’t figure out the problem. Since he and the tech guy were both “software” type people, they tend to think in terms of code. They were restarting his computer, doing spyware sweeps, looking for corrupt sectors on his hard drive, examining recently added software, etc. After about an hour of this one morning, and at the point they were about to swap out his hard drive, I walked over to the keyboard with a pair of scissors, popped off the keys and swapped them out and said, “try it now.”

The look on their face was priceless! And I hate to think what would have happened if I wasn’t there to prevent the hard drive replacement!

UPDATE

Thank the good Lord - I have heard from my darling dear .. Communications are now back up in the sandbox hell (aka Iraq)

HBP will now be returning to her normal psycho self :D

Protect your necks, here comes the swords !! swish swish

OHHH how doest thou love me darling porkster??

Bless his weakened heart. He was very nearly left be-headed this afternoon.

I sincerely tried to retract my claws and fangs, swords and guillotines.



But of all things holy, all i did was say hello where u been ??? and the boy felt it necessary to immediately diiiiig deep and find maybe ONE thing that could possibly set me off and he succeeded..

Commence be-heading. I felt like Henry VIII set out the immediate order himself for my dear Porky and did my dearest Porkster run ? hide? quiver in fear? say his last prayers of redemption??

>
*caption: Chomp the motherfucker!

NOOOOO no he did not, he immediately became like Wolverine from the XMEN and his steel claws also came out!

Next thing I knew it was a full on , hair pulling , screeching , bitch slapping , pissing contest.

First please note this has been a hell-acious week for me - I am not looking for pity at all , nor compassion .. but when I clearly hang the Warning Sign up and next to it a white flag ... that could only mean KEEEP OUT or risk losing your beloved head..

I am absolutely loathing in self misery as my sweet cherished kiddos are in PA visitng their father leaving me as a walking zombie becuz even one day away from them tears my heart up.

Secondly , the boyfriend is MIA - as in I effin HATE YOU Iraq with a passion
All communications have been lost there for the last 3 days every hour that goes by feels like an eternity plus one day.

Thirdly , yesterday I woke with a full blown killer migraine - and was in the worst of excruciating pains .. anyone who has ever suffered migraines knows there is nothing worse than a full blown migraine which is more than just a wicked headache, it started off that i was blind , the throbbing in my head was SO bad i could not even get out of bed to get some meds or pee.

- EW no i didnt pee my bed -

I went back to sleep till i was ready to explode lol- also the lovely accompanying migraine affects include nausea hot and cold shakes extreme sensitivity to light and sound and over all readiness to devour anything or anyone who dares to bravely come within 2500 feet of you.



I would rather any other part of the body be in pain over a migraine - and i can talk from experience as i have severely suffered pain elsewhere and have had migraines since i was 20 yrs old.

Also what happens after a full blown migraine is equally miserable the massive head pain typically simmers down to a miserable lighter aching throbbing annoying persistant biotch of a mofo. The day after the initial full blown migraine is usually followed by what I have dubbed as the Migraine hangover a headache which no meds will take away ( it will try to keep it at bay) , but it stays and aches and hurts and makes you utterly miserable.

So to my sweet bestie who is oh so not scared to lose his ever loving head to the queen of mean .. thank you for always sucking up ur blood for me and hanging in there :D

I heart u bestie ...

Tasers tasers everywhere I go ... and in this corner we have blue lightning

OOOOOOOKKKK then my little blogger bugs...

I have OH so much to catch you up on ..
let us start with the Transformers #2 movie .. was kick asz .. and yea .. there are some taser-ings in this awesome action packed laugh out loudly movie !!!

And it tickled me till I was polka dotted blue that it was in the movie just a day after I blogged that Taser story ...

-long throat clearing - taps orchestra conductors stick thingy -

Thursday rolls around

Bestie Porkster and I go to see DANE COOK .. Yes madams and sirs you heard me correctly, Mister Dane Cook .. he is absolutely for years been my all time favorite comedian
The show kicked mega asz - funny and just awesomeness (pics to come later), but the topic that I fell out of my seat on ??

why yes !?!!? TASERS !!!!!

It seems the world is now on a taser gun kick .. which hey more power to ya people if you are looking for the head biter , she will be locked in her house until you are all over that phase !!!! or maybe i could wrap up in like bubble tape ? or Charmin ?? to deflect any tasing attempts.

If PorkStar was still here you can cow chasing , dog tail waggin bet that mofo would tase me till i twitched and drooled .. in fact I heard him thinking how awesome it would be to do it to try to wake me up, record it and youtube it.

Thank the blessed baby Jebodiha he is in NY/NJ now and I am safe.

...and darling dear JB (AKA Boyfriend) dont get any ideas either, I will sooo freaking kung fu & jujitsu ur spaghetti stringed body into next week, mmmkay ...

YAY for only being one month away from his little mid tour R&R .. miss ya sunshine

Caution to Men !!!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this story:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip shit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!


(captioned:Because somtimes words just aren't enough)

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.


I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:


there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.


The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.


Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.



I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

TMI Thursday: Dirty Sanchez Medusa.

Here's my cherry popping TMI, so please, be gentle.

Warning: R+ rated for fuckin foul language & shit talk. Not exactly a Sanchez post

but equally dirty.

TMI Thursdays sponsored by the queen of sharing your shit or someone else's, momma Lilu:

Well well well ...

It is about time I write my very first TMI post.

At least porky thinks so since he's always asking, begging, pleading and attempting to corrupt me into writing TMI things, but I'm too propper for that so imma talk about someone else instead:

aaaaaaand so it begins:

Let me catch you up to speed .. I work in an office full of men, and one other "woman" aside from lovely ME.

I say "woman" because she is more like an amazon nasty ass beast whom we shall appropriately nick name Medusa. She is like a black widow I tell you, crazy crazy and MEAN with her poisonous scorpion tail.. GASP OHHH that bitch! ...

OK so check it out .. we have a nice little nonchalant ladies room here .. yes.. a pisser room.. ya know??








RIGHTYO then ...

It just so happens that Medusa likes to drop the atomic bombs here at work , and I mean ATOMIC! ok?. I have walked in there after her and my eyes would well up with tears, real live tears, get green in the face and have to walk the f*ck back out .. GAwww, can't a girl go pee when she has to ??

Nooo, not here. There are only 2 potty rooms here... the boys and the girls potty.

Sometimes since there are more boys then girls, the boys will overflow into my bathroom , those testosterone bitches, but when they do,  they have come to talk morning shit with me (not literally like Medusa's) and we hash over her toxic ass droppings.

I have gone in there many a day when she has decided to grace the porcelain God with her presence & said "ohh mother of the baby Jesus of all the things unholy !! " *gag*... *double gag*

Co workers and I have feebly attempted to mask this stench that carries out into the hallway with plug ins . Well as soon as she sees one in there she removes and hides it.  We have numerous cans of Lysol Febreeze and such sprays which she wont use. We have a fan in the bathroom which she wont turn on. It makes you fucken wonder who the hell could live with that!! (as in with her)

I am currently googling masks to survive my daily pee runs.

And the absolute worst part of it all??? ( you may be asking yourself how could it get worse)

The floaters this woman leaves! There's something called double flush, for the love of Captain Hook !!!!

I mean do you truly have no couth ?

I think pranks are rightfully in order after enduring 3+ years of this hellish, subliminal office scat session.

OK  mofo head biter on TMI Medusa's shyt out , peace yo.

...and may you never endure this lack of personal hygiene!

Waldo !!! Where are you !?!? Come out come out wherever you are...

Wellllll Hello there my adorable cute bling blang bloggers ..
So I have been recently crucified for lack of bloggering
Thank you Porky . . . that was some funny shyt.. for realz yo !!

I look at my life and I see a lot of laughs in it ..
*microphone feedback* I would like to thank my munchkins and family whom I laugh at daily.. I laugh at myself for the idiotic things I do thinking they are well thought out ideas (yea not so much)
and most recently added to the Quirky Whacky Jacky bunch is my mofo of hotness BF.. JB
(he uses those Army abbrev's on me all the time which most times I am soo not following what he says FOB to the PPP to the SEC say whaaa ??? so I will us my texting abbrevs ~ so HA !!!)

please note Lulu has NOT cleaned yet .. in fact the tornado zone has now spread to the hall way and the toy room
well all I can say is .. my darlin dears Lulu and lil man will be leaving in 10 days to visit their father in PA
when they come back from their summer visit ... they are gonna be in for an awakening (not so much my lil man he keeps his room clean) but the house is being DE-cluttered from top to bottom - and best news YET !!! I've recruited PORKSTAR to help me - - WAHOOO - Can not wait to see ya buddy boy !!!
Porky and I will not spend our entire week together cleaning .. We are gonna go catch a show of some dude named ... uhh
ommm .. Dabney Coley ? no no .. umm Dick Cock ?? no no no .. DANE COOK !!!
yes!! the one !!! the only: DC : is coming to SC and so is SG !!(aka Porkstar)!

Poor Porky - Yesterday he was headless ..
I had not heard from hunny bunny luver boy who happens to be in the throws of hella - aka IRAQ
which threw me thru a loop and made me insta-head slicing and dicing beeeeotch ..
I was chopping heads like a sous chef:: waaasshaa woooshaaa chop chop chop slice slice
Porkster being my bestie .. always get the sharpest end of the sword first .. bless his throat .. I dunno why he still luvs me
turns out my sunshine was out on a mission ..
* note to joshy baby, do NOT leave me hanging like that again* mmkay! great! thanks !

Soo today I have received my adorably tine cute new itsy bitsy little laptop - its PINK !!!



I have broken and caved in to finally purchase one .. at home I have a self made desktop from ohhh 7 or 8 years ago .. and it freezes up like there is no honey in the middle of the ocean.... since sunshine luver boy is over fighting for our freedom , and I being the busy queen I am with 2 kids and sports and house things to do always .. laptop totally the answer!!! talk to him as i do laundry or cook dinner .
yay for modern technology .. which as Porky will tell you and he pokes fun calling me Amish . . I tend to be years behind on this techno shyt .. Porkstar has totally introduced me to many a things .. and he has set up accounts for most of them lol
but the most hysterical ironic completely innocent part to all of that is this little funny story
My father came from PA to visit me last week - we are from a northeastern part of PA .. at least a good hour from Lancaster aka Amish Country
he has a gift for me .. it is a keychain .. on one side it has a pic of a horse and buggy and says Amish Country
the other has my name ( which is spelled with only one L in Michele) .. when he gave it to me all i saw was Amish country ..
the kicker is not 2 days before had Mister PorknBeanz freakin cracked at me calling me Amish bcz i am behind in the new wave age thingy... so i immediately think its a conspiracy !!! (schizo's tend to think as such)
and i respond .. REALLY ?? DAD ??
( still thinking its a joke on me) then i flip it over & see the name ..
and we laugh as i tell him the story behind my initial hesitation of acceptance ...
growing up the only way I could have something with my name spelled correctly on it was if i WROTE it on there myself - one time when i was 5 Mom made me a dress that had my name on the front :D too bad i was a mega tomboy and hated wearing dresses (sorry mom)

righty o I thinks I have spilled enuff blah on this page for the moment ..

What has happened so far!

Today's post is brought to you by PorkStar

Howdy ya'll.

So I have hacked in Shell's blogger thingie and decided to make a post since she's so "busy" to write crap, eventhough she can gladfully call me and talk my ear off for a good hour with gossip and Joshy business.

Now, she doesn't know I'm posting this, but once peeps start commenting, she'll know through her email and I will get my spanking and my craneum chewed off to pieces and prolly regurgitated and slurped back in.

But I'm taking my chances because....

I'm an asshat like that.

So, I will pretend I'm her today and ramble.

*removes underwear

*****

So hey, you guys, how are my bloggity peeps doing today?

I soooo apologize from the bottom of my belly for not posting and entertaining the few people of ya'll with my stories about being a single wrangler of two kiddos and a thick boyfriend in Iraq blowing up shit for fun.

It's exactly a month you guys, a month since I wrote anything in here but you must understand, a single hot mommy such as myself, working full time has very little time in her hands to be doing stuff she's not supposed to.

However, I seldom listen to reason (aka PorkStar) and I do what I fucking want and end up playing in facebook and talking smack to my lovely cute little lover boy Joshy baby during work hours (I know i'm a corny white chic sometimes but hey, I'm in love with him and in return he loooooooooooooves me) and then have to work overtime in order to catch up and I hires me a nanny to take care of my kiddos, which if looking at it from a social point of view, I'm adding to the creation of new jobs and thus, helping the economy grow.

Or some shit like that.

Ok fine I don't do that because I am broke and I rather spend time with my babies than being here in this place.

This entire month has been the busiest thus far. Taking the kids to practice, pimping my car out with some kick ass lights and shit of that sort because I'm a cool chic and I love the attention that is given to my car.

And to its driver as well.  : )

..And I took pics of the job being done to my BMW and posted them on Facebook. I suck greatly at taking pics so most of them were blurry and since my car is black, I forgot and took some pics of it without any light and all you can see is a black blub of nothingness.

Also I added a pic of me in the bathroom and it accidentally showed the toilet paper right infront of the pic.

Sergio said that apparently the hard work on cars (although all I did was sit there looking pretty) makes one want to go and take a number 2.

But I don't do that cause I'm a lady. A delicate flower.

So I cussed him out and he said the TP looked rougher than what he uses (apparently bounty, for what he said) and I then teased him about it cause, who uses bounty as TP?

Apparently him. Nasty fucker.

Anyways, there's also a never ending job of straigtening the house and making it look descent, tidy. But Lucy loo is a little human tornado / tazmanian devil and by the next day, there are toys and clothes spread out all over the house. ALL OVER THE HOUSE you hear!?!

But we girls tend to be like that too, I understand her because we love being messy, we loooooove being messy!!! Ok not me.

For Memorial day my brother and sis in law took us, along with their kids to Myrtle Beach and we had a super grand time.

Now, I don't know how to use a digicam and I thought cleaning the lens with an oily finger was a good idea, but apparently not. All the pics came up a bit blurry with a long oily smudge in the middle. 

I had recently applied sun protection, thus the oily finger.

I swear that finger was NOT, I repeat, was NOT anywhere else.

You pervs.

It was sunny, windy and lovely overthere. The kids loved playing in the pool, burying themselves in the sand and my brother made a lovely sand statue of a mermaid with Lucy's head.

No, he did not detach her head, although she drives me so nuts I wish I could do it, but she was actually buried in the sand, all smiles.

And I got some sun too wooo hooo

You see, I'm a white, pale skinny chic (with a hot ass, mind you) and my tiny ass blue bikini made me look this thin: |

But I didn't care because I was worried I hadn't heard from my Joshy baby in like 5 days and I almost crapped my pants from not having any news of him.

Again, that didn't happen because I'm a delicate flower and we don't just shit like that, you know.

Anyways, near the pool I had the laptop and a fag (cigarrette) dangling from my potty mouth trying to relief some stress (PG13 only).

At last I heard from the boy in the Sandbox and I was able to breathe and relax knowing that his hot cute self was alright overthere.

That's all that's been happening for now. I haven't even spoken/chatted that much to Sergio because sometimes I'm a little cocky cunt like that and I rather talk to my Joshy baby because, he WILL own me!.

and I like to leave Sergio hanging and not answer his questions because... sigh...I'm too busy for him... lol jk

Ok Sergio has just been busy at work and I dont like to interrupt him when he's all professional and intellectual and cute as a button and all that.

So that is all I have to say for today. I hope ya'll kiddies have a nice weekend. I'll be back next week with some more adventures woo hoo!

sheeeesh Mom what were you thinking !!

Soooo hey .. it has been a little while since I have graced blog world .. forgive me ..
between being uber busy at work, and running round like a Turkey being chased on Thanksgiving Eve
with baseball for the 2 munchkin butts .. whoooo Im saying "Calgon Take me away !!"

Let me tell you a story about my little LuLu .. this child comes off with some funny asz shyt
I dared to enter her room which i had just cleaned last week .. and when i did i promise you I could not see an inch of the floor .. as it was covered in clothes and blankets and stuffed animals - I was just about to call her up to interrogate her as to why every square inch of her room was covered like Times Square on New Years eve night , when I looked under her bed .. what do I find under there ????????
NOTHING not a gosh darn freakin thing .. not even a dust bunny !!!!
I call the Queen up .. and ask her how in the world one person could make such a mess in so little time covering her entire room .. she says Mother .. my WHOLE room is NOT a mess .. under my bed is clean ...
How does one NOT burst out laughing at that .. I told her she had to clean her room of course .. well guess where the punk slept last night ? .. nope not in my bed .. she went off to the toy room and slept on the spare bed ..
I am baffled .. I thought i made it clear to her i turned in my maids outfit and retired .. HA

And for the record .. I miss my boyfriend .. the sooner he gets home from Iraq , the happier I will be
I heart him n miss him

This is how my heart breaks...

Right .. So .. uhhhh ..
i thought when feeling completely miserable, down to the last ion in my stick figured body..
what better way to get the weight of the world off my back by blogging ..

Today .. my heart is broken into three hundred gazillion pieces .. at the loss of a long time ,near to my heart, friend's brother .. Ive known Big P for ohhh 17 years and I have always loved this man .. I love him .. so when the news had gotten to me about his little brother, my chest has been tight since the call and not gone away and i wanted to cry SO so badly .. but what the fock do I do instead ?? my eyes just gloss over , no tears .. I haven't cried in so freakin long that even now when I want to I can not .. I would like to give that award to my mother .. thats a story in itself which i have no intention of telling at present ..


flip me a mile up the river .. i thought blogging would help .. but i still feel numb and overcome with sadness

whoa .. like Joey says from Gimme a Break ...

Right-y-o then ....

Let me start with last night .. hmm .. nope .. back up even more .. to yesterday morning ...

Guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed becuz i just wasnt my chipper bubbley self at all ..
it was a crazy busy day - stemming from a 3 day weekend , and it was Monday, I didnt sleep more than 2 or 3 hours Sunday night ... by the time 5pm came .. I found out that LuLu's baseball game was canceled due to rain .. however my little man's appearance in the AAA opening night game was still on ...

Due to the schedule change, I bought a ticket for Lulu n I ...
Well .. the other kids that my son was to go out onto the field with (fellow ball players) seemed to all be wild and unruly
ok fine well they arent my kids .. but the way i was raised was.. most especially in public u damn better behave or you will suffer later... and i in turn try to raise my kids the same .. except all of ya'll who know me .. know I suck donkey tit at enforcing ANY punishment at all .. ok back to point .. my kids stood beside me .. and for the most part they were truly fine ( compared to the kids who were picking up rocks and throwing them) my munchkins played wth each other .. for whatever reason i had a damn stick up my asz !@#@! and was not amused at their bouts of fun ... begging them to settle blah blah freakin blah ... yup smack me up side my stoopid head ..

FF(FastForward): we go to our seats .. we watch 4 innings and now the time is going for 9pm .. well its a school night and we have many a things to do before bed so it was time to go ... the kids didnt seem that into the game anyways chit chatting and checking everything else out ..

FF a little more .. we are at home and the kids are asking for something or other .. as i am trying to do my momly duties of cleaning cooking and such ... when my youngest asked for something - I was in the kitchen she was in the dining room .. my response was .. well darlin daughter .. i love ya but u kids really didnt behave at the game .. so i think no .... without hesitation she retorts " Mom we didnt act u p.. we are kids and we were acting like kids, we are only able to do that once in our lives and thats right now" and i am certain she threw in a sheesh or goooollly afterwards ... i immediately stopped turned to her and had her come in the kitchen - i said babe .. what did u say ?? .. she repeated it again , and added .. "really mom , we can not act like this once we get older ya know " in her matter of fact voice ...
I about had tears in my eyes and a huge grin on my face which made us both erupt in laughter .. I said mm hmm .. you are exactly right .. go on and do whatever it was u asked permission for ( Im drawing a blank at present to what it even was)
may i remind you this little angel just turned 8 years old ..

It just made me think ... as a parent .. I worry too much sometimes about my presentation of the children 2 the world .. spending too much time on that instead of focusing on the important stuff like letting them enjoy the innocence and joy of childhood for the few short years they are able .... and if only we as adults could kick back more often and act like kids ( the way i do too often lol ) we may find ourselves a little bit of happiness ..
I love those kids more every single day than anything else in the world = )
they construct the beating of my heart ..
and also give me some hella cool stories to share =)
<3
Have a great tipsy Tuesday !

kiss kiss =)

Grandma's letter.
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car
She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if
you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd
never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida state back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign right back..

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through
the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

GET SOME

Ohhhh!!! my eyeballs !!! Let me just say I have begun my search for a new bikini ..
hmm problem is .. I don't have melons to hold like the lady above .. .. which brings up another thought.. wonder if the hand comes with a choice of breasts ??? that's hot said fred !!
i can see why the dude is wearing all the bling , why would u wanna cover up that eye catcher .. shyt man .. I'm gonna order me a pair off ebay right now.. and wear em to work tomrw .. i don;t think my engineers will mind ..
course they will have a new topic of the year and maybe the other one from 3 years ago when i burnt/melted a pot will be let go !!! hell i would much rather be known for hands on my tata's then a melted pot fire in the kitchen incident .. totally more appealing !! right ? just more random thoughts ... we all know where my mind has residence .. hell i am the Prez of Gutter Town ..

OK .. moving on to another random and innocent occasion today .. first .. Im not making ANY progress at work .. I am playing way 2 much ... I blame me for that .. tad bit distractable this week .. I better get back to my A: game ..
but I have plenty good reason

Randomness #2 - the little girl Alana (2 yr old local leukemia patient) she has made another miraculous turn in her fight for life ... God bless her and her family

Random-anomaly # C: welps ... i got distracted .. lets see if i can remember .. CURSE this amnesia or Alzheimer's i cant remember which i have

FLICK !!!! what was it >??? i had a random lost thoughtAHHH yes
whoo that was close

One of my engineers brought in a bag of Twix candybars and gave me one .. which immediately flooded my head with a beloved childhood memory .. which thanks to my work load i can not tell at the moment ..
but surely will reference back to this one so i can at later date

MUAH love u little flocker heads !!!
have a thumpin thursday !!!

Welcome to Wednesday ..

Welcome to Wednesday ..


well I am a chic of my word .. I left my house yesterday at 7.30am ish .. I got home at 9.45pm .. baseball season will do that to you .. ..

i promised i would cut my hair last night .. and once i had the kids in bed and settled and work around the house done .. i grabbed me scissors and choppered off 13 + inches of me hair .. let me tell u .. its a little hard to see the back of your head and chop-a-lop .. so i made the cut and snapped a pic .. here it is .. I am not done i need to shape it .. but saving that for tonite ..

I'm not gonna lie .. i feel weird , semi - retarded with out my long flowing hair touching my back and elbows , or getting caught in my jacket zippers lol .. and stuff .. but i would still do it a hundred times over (and i will too) for the cause .. I just cant get past thinking bout how these young innocent angels got a raw deal, fight for their life etc ... if there is just one small thing i can do .. you gosh dang friggin better believe i will do it !!
my hair will grow back , theirs wont .. so why not give them a small piece of mind while they travel through the most tumultuous journey they as children face..
Cancer today is so common I bet everyone who reads this can say they know of someone who had it .. I personally can say i know too many ... losing family and a dear friend to it .. I always felt helpless with them , all i could do was pray ..

thats all i have for now since i best be getting to work ..
this blooger blogger blocker head can not be ALL work no play sooo here is a funny:

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous,
so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex,
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!

Welcome to maniacal MONDAY !!! oooh how i LOVE my kids

HAPPPPPY MONDAY WORLD !!!!


OK so right .. check this out ... there are so many things in life i adore .. mondays ...mmmm not so much *crinkles nose* but i love today .. i love every day !!!!!

I would love to sit here and write something that would crack you up and send you to the floor in a roar of laughter .. but today ... i sit here to write you a little about how the innocence of a child has floored me ..

Over the weekend we went to the grocery store .. and of course my tiny tots are having a debate in the back seat ... i let those 2 fight out what they can before i step in ( like my parents did wth me .. at least these 2 arent beating the crap out of each other .. imagine having 5 brothers tag team against you for a little Filet Michele.. i miss those days wouldn't change them for the world !)
oops sorry back to present day !

as we are getting out of the car and walking to the front porch ... my son made a comment to her saying that she just got lucky .. that quick witted brainiac retorts back without skipping a beat ..
" so what I dont believe in luck or karma" this my friends grabbed my ear like a pissed off mommy and pulled me to her .... i slowed my pace so that i could walk with her .. my curiosity has been piqued !!!
I say to my 2nd grader ... babe .. what do you mean you dont believe in luck or karma
(now i teach my kids to freely think .. so if she doesn't wanna believe in luck etc more power to her ..
as long as she is not being sandbagged into believing or not believing --
oh shoot now i will have to call myself a damn hypocrite!!!
since i made her believe in Santa and tooth fairy etc .. ok well i will wrestle my conscience another day .. i keep side tracking here.. hush..

i ask her what i did and she says .. look Mom I just dont believe in luck and Karma ..
Me: Why not though?
Lulu: well because there is no such thing .. you create it in your mind .. you create your own fears and by believing in luck and karma you create fears that you live by instead ..
the child stopped me in my tracks , i kid you not .. i stopped walking .. for a 8 yr old to have that kind of depth and understanding of fear or whatever .. just blew me the heck away !!
I still am ... I dont think i EVER thought about fear or luck or Karma in that sense ..
i mean i used to before that day believe in karma and luck and God and fear
its kind of hard to undo the way you have been all your life but i sure would like to try
as for my little Lulu .. I will continue to encourage her to live without fear

as a parent we tend to think that only WE are the teachers ..
i promise if you are open, it is a 2 way street ..
my kids have taught me such incredible insights .. i love it
I have been so blessed ..
yes a tad sentimental today for my life lesson learned..
but lets see what i can add in for a funny !!!

lets go with a CLASSIC :
Satan in Church

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years.
==== ))))))

its Frankly Friday !!!!

WELL GOOOOD Morning world !!!!

Frankly .. today is Friday .. and I am so close to losing my ever loving mind ... there is nothing better then waking up the last day of the work week a little itsy bitsy late so you have to rush like a headless hen !!

Even though the rain has slowed up my after work activities ( aka baseball practice for the kiddos) this week has not been slow for me .. I have misplaced my magic wand .. This weekend poses so much more for me to complete
Fixing taxes ( way to go me !!! who screws up filing taxes online !!!!!)
Dad is coming tomorrow into town to visit us !! with Uncle Bob woo hoo!! for a week ..
house cleansing is needed .. need to hire a crew !!!!
And with the rain and giant German Shepherd comes lots of muddy paws on my light tan rug .. and floors and mud on walls .. how on earth she gets mud on the walls is beyond me .. she musta taken lessons from Lexi Lu
this tan rug is being replaced by hardwood floors - i shall be shopping for those floors this weekend and installing asap.

Kids have opening day for baseball , shopping for food is needed and I am getting satellite installed this weekend buh bye gay cable !


Man i am hunnnngry like a hippo !! think i will go make some yum yum oatmeal after this coldplay song is over ..

SOOOOOO got us a funny one ... I know i had to write all the stoopid boring stuff first sorry

Darling Daughter has a tooth to put under her pillow for the tooth fairy Weds night ..
Weeellll her tired tooth fairy fell asleep soon as she was done putting the muchkins to bed
and woke up forgetting all about it .. well DD ( Darlin Daughter) sure didnt 4get

I was absolutely put on the stand and prosecuted !!!
Lulu: WHY didn't the tooth fairy come !?!!?
ME: I immediately respond wth : She couldn't make it to your pillow , your room was too a mess ( truth)
Lulu: immediately fires back - That's a lie .. she came last time and my room was a mess ..
Me: Quickly I fire right back , well i stopped her this time and told her to wait till ur room was clean ..
well let me tell you what .. those kid freakin geniuses are wicked quick and u cant get a doggone thing by them ...
in my defense i tried to illusionate her .. and as Collin Raye sang .. that's my story and i'm sticking to it !!!
soo comes Thursday night and we are going for second time on TFairy .. I told her this time i will keep under my pillow since she hasn't cleaned her room .. i was almost beheaded again as i woke her up .. WELL !??!!? Did the tooth fairy come yet Mom ??? *in my head i hear * SON OF A BISCUIT !!!!!!!! did i mention we were running a tadpole late .. as i make like a river and run for the wallet before she sees me !!! Good thing I have Ninja like skills .. waaapoosh !!!!

Frankly my dear .. its Friday and i just dont give a damn !!

WOO HOO hope yous guys have a wild weekend =)

Twinkle Twinkle its THURSDAY power !!!!

Righty'o .. so here i sit writing this and in my head its narrated in my British accent ..

Today maybe your TMI Turkey day .. have at it .. Ive got nothing .. may need some time to warm up to that since .. well anyways right then moving on !!

Busy day from Hades ! Im going to be someones snack if i dont get a move on ..
it is not that im not working .. I AM .. and shocker # 2 .. we only had 2 engineers here today ... so that means ... not as many people to interrupt me and need me .. but for some reason there is still SOO much to do .. and as noted in Twit my tweet Its 4 pm ish and i just got me some lunch.. soooo right ... back to busy .. snap back to reality , whoomp theres no gravity , whoomp she's so mad that she , pooomp bust a cavity

lata yooo ; )

Holy Armadillo's - I saw the light !!!

so hi .. how ya doing ?? You having a great hump day ?? I hope better than mine just was.. and get this ... I'm soo not complaining .. I am more leaning towards "Thank u baby Jesus" .. for reals yo ..

OK so right .. check it out .. its like this ..

I had to take my little munchkins to the dentist - whoo hooo hooo !!
so after an hour and a half of the dentists, it is finally time to return the little ones to school ..
I had just left the dentist office .. and ahem for you doubters I was NOT speeding ( yet ) #1 I had my kids in the car.. and at this point of location it was not somewhere to speed ( red light to red light short strip) sure I have a heavy foot, but I'm not a blockhead Charlie Brown.

So here I am just starting on the road from red light 1 to redlight 2, its a 2 lane highway .. Im in the left lane (aka passing lane) when this megabeast SUV decides to speed up and "merge" into my lane .. I use the word "merge" lightly as the driver NEVER checked any mirrors .. nor did she check anything at ALL , to see if anyone was in the lane .. so she swerved and nearly clipped my black stallion .. Now when you are almost in an accident you do not have time to think .. kay .. u just react .. aprrarently my skilled driving senses kicked in .. i throw the car into Nuetral ( it's raining out and didnt wanna Hydro .. also to help slow the car faster than down shifting.. since this was an emergen-fckn-cy stop) i slam on my brakes hard as i could since i had literally a millisecond to stop from being hit and not just hit .. she was going to take my baby girl out.. becuz she was speeding up and aiming for the passenger side rear door.. to avoid the hit i had to drive into oncoming traffic lane to NOT get hit...lucky for me they were still sitting at the red light..

First I wanna say to BMW engineers .. u guys friggin ROCK .. brake test CHECK !!!! good to go .. Now .. had i not had my kids in the car.. i woulda let the motha fockin megabiotch hit me .. becuz then I would have new Blue Bmw car !!! and i think for me the priceless part of it all was the blank expression on her face when she finally saw us (& my lil Lexi lulu in her bright pink rain coat) .. the driver I swear said with such melancholy (I read lips) "oohhh" like she was drugged and it was delayed and drawn out .. her eyes didn't pop out of her head !! she didn't shriek or gasp or act surprised!! ...

This my friends is what made me wish no kids were in the car .. then and there i woulda let her whack a mole my car .. but everything happens for a reason - so i shall take another deeeeeep.. breath... mooooshaaafa ... and exhaaale .... whoooshaaaaa ..... and again thank the heavens above no harm came to the children today ... but know this .. in my head - i massacred the drivers head i didnt just bite it = ) muahahahha ok and then I said sorry so I don't burn in h e double hockey sticks !!

Brand spanking new

So

here goes my first post and ....

Im an el tardo...mmkay

test one two, one two...

************

Busy coming up with something witty and fresh to say... but then again it's almost midnight and I'm so completely horny tired from a long, long, loooooong, day of work, and running kids all over the earth to baseball practice - I am not complaining I would drive them to China for practice if thats where it was .. I love those monsters with every fiber.

Shit coming up soon, I promises.

Note to PorkStar, you'd better help me out with this shit.! muah